Emotional Abuse: Going Crazy Proving You’re Worth It
I know that Narcissistic Personality Disorder is, according to studies, extremely uncommon. Those studies indicate that NPD occurs in less than one percent of the population.
I am here to tell you that one of the following is true:
A. That one percent only includes people who seek help and obtain a diagnosis for NPD;
B. The study did not account for people with narcissistic personality traits who could not meet the criteria for full-blown NPD (but probably met it for other personality disorders or mental illnesses);
C. I am just a magnet that attracts that one percent.
I am not a psychologist, but I have studied psychology and behavioral analysis for years. I can’t give advice from the perspective of an outsider looking in, but I can certainly offer advice from an insider who would give anything to be able to get out.
Foremost, I need to make a disclaimer. We are all different. That means some people are smarter (intellectually, emotionally, or both), some people are empaths, some people are codependent, some people have depression and/or anxiety, and some people are just as dumb as a box of rocks. The type of person you are and the capabilities within you are what cause you to be attracted to emotional abusive people, what causes them to be attracted to you, and what helps you to determine that you are, in fact, being emotionally abused. The best advice that I can give anyone about pretty much anything in life is this: Research. Search terminology. Purchase books. Educate yourself. You will be so glad that you did, especially when you’re being consistently told that you are crazy or that you are the problem.
The first time you are manipulated via gaslighting, you assume that the abuser is making up things because he or she is mad, or because he or she is just trying to hurt your feelings. However, after months or years of being told that you are worthless, you cannot help but to believe it. You stay in the relationship because you think you’re not worthless (though now you’re just not sure), and you constantly try to prove to your abuser that you are worth loving.
In your head, you know that something is wrong with your abuser, but you make excuses for him or her. You remember the stories he or she told you about childhood or previous relationships, and you actually develop a sense of pity for your abuser before he or she even begins to abuse you. At the same time, you develop the urgency to protect your abuser’s emotional well-being at all costs. You refuse to do to him or her what he or she claims someone else did before you. You will be different. You will be the hero.
You are so wrong. Think back to interactions you’ve had with your abuser. Do any of these statements bring back memories of your own thoughts?
- “He will be so proud of me for doing this.” (But, wait, why is he yelling at me for doing what I thought would make him proud?)
- “He is looking for reasons to be mean to me. The things he is saying are so trivial and unimportant.”
- “Can he not see everything I have done for him?” (He just told me I have never done anything for him except cause him problems.)
- “These eggshells hurt my feet.”
- “Maybe he will love me today.”
Those are just a few examples of thoughts you have probably owned yourself. The answer is — no. He will never be proud of you. He will never thank you or apologize. He will never take responsibility for his own actions. He will never admit his own faults. He won’t go to therapy. He will always say he doesn’t need you and that everything you have done for him was done by your own free will, and he won’t thank you for what he didn’t ask you to do. Walking on eggshells will stress you to the max. You will become a different person trying to prove your true intentions. Finally — he will never truly love you.
