My Angel Baby

Hey, Baby Girl-

I’ve not forgotten you.

I’ve been doing quite well thinking of you only sometimes.

I meant no interruption to your memory,

But you clearly need time on the frontline,

So here you are keeping me awake

When it’s not even an anniversary of your lifeline.

I guess I tried to care enough

To circumnavigate the misplaced feelings of your father.

I tried to make so many excuses for him,

But I’m frankly disgusted by how he never even acknowledged you after your departure.

I always said it was because he couldn’t feel you —

He didn’t know how strong your little legs and arms actually were.

(But, in actuality, does any Father actually know? Most of them vicariously feel their child through inevitable empathy towards the Mother..)

Yours just really didn’t give a damn, and I’m tired of making excuses for him.

His lack of ability to be decent has robbed you, me, and mine of so much, and I’m tired of all the uplifting adjectives I’ve provided him since your passing.)

I feel as though I’ve silenced myself to a certain extent

Just so he could maintain his neutral character

But, ironically, he’s dead to me while your memory continually lives on.

So I’m sorry, my tiny daughter, if I ever minimized your memory.

I don’t care if anyone ever thinks less of me

Solely because I’ll never think less of you.

I miss you today — this random day

When your thoughts have consumed my ability to sleep.

I’d give anything if my being awake was because this thunderstorm woke you from your dreams.

But that’s just a fantasy I’ll always have — protecting you from normalcy;

And all the “shh’s” I wish I could say to your sisters

When their age allows them to stay awake too long

And potentially disrupt your sweet baby dreams.

Anyway, thanks for listening (or not listening — whatever).

I love you and I miss you more than your perfect angel self could ever understand.